Well, today, Monday, should technically be a great day. I went to see the surgeon today and it seems that my surgery will be going ahead for Feb 16th, so not long to go. Fear and paranoia, mainly of expecting too much of this operation, mean I cant sleep, even though I know I have work in the morning and will now be exhausted. i dont know if anyone will ever read this, but I think that I need to write it all down anyway. For those people who have decided to read my blog, Hi, Thank you, and I hope whatever ramblings I put in this thing help you somehow!
The Beginning.
Well, mayhaps it is best to start from the beginning, explaining how I got to the state of mind I am in now. BIG. BIG GIRL. BIG BONED. YOUR JUST TALL. LARGE FRAME. These phrases, these simple statesments, words, have controlled my life. consuming me, making me obsess. Yes, since I was little, I was big. Now, not overly big, just big enough that I was made well enough aware of it. I was great at sport, dancing and running, going to state for running and doing well in dancing competitions regardless of my size. At the age of 11 I moved to an all girls school, which I loved, but it seems to also be the time that my weight began to get out of control, but not necessarily where my obsession with weight, and food, began. Either way, before I was 11, I was very tall for my age, so I guess it made the fact that I was never going to be one of those 'skinny', 'tiny', 'petite' girls ( I swear they are the 3 words I envy most in the world) slighty bearable. By year 7, my growth spurt had stopped and all my friends outgrew me. I was the short, really chubby girl, with the funny and bright personality.
Now, I apologise if this is boring anyone but I guess I feel context is really important when explaining any journey, and so it seemed best to get this all out of the way. At 15, after YEARS of my parents making me very aware that I was fat, even though I was happy, I agreed to go on a low carb diet. At this stage, I was still short for my age and danced atleast 6 times a week, so was very active. 5 months later, I was almost 5'10 and had lost over 30 kilos, but the end of year 10, and at 16 1/2 I ahd lost over 38kg and felt amazing. Now this was the first time boys began to pay attention to me, and def not the last time. But to me, it was the best thing in the world. but at the same time, and especially in retrospect, also a curse. With the constant compliments and attention came the realisation that I clearly, looked so hideous and terrible before, how could I possible have ever lived like that? I began to obsess. Food, well, the obsession with avoiding it began. I became bulimic, becoming underweight for my height and became obsessed with increasing my exercise. By the end of school I had had a almost 2 year relationship (which was wonderful for the most part) and had managewd to fight my eating disorder without my parents even knowing it even existed. Now this is where the journey takes a turn, this is where, lets say, my 'Mr Big' came along. the guy no one seems to understand why you like him, yet you cant seem to pull yourself away from the relationship- even though you know its poisoning you. To begin with, he was obsessed with me, and I had never felt better. What a perfect way to avoid the pain of a breakup but to move on with a guy who had already confessed his love for you before you even had a chance to break up with your old boyfriend. and yes, I am not proud of how I acted.
FAST FORWARD.
THE CURRENT TIME.
My Mr Big is long gone, a tragic and terrible relationship which involved an abortion, living together, self loathing, depression, a break up and his attempt to win me back from another guy (and I was stupid enough to fall for it!) and his ability to some how ensure that I had nothing in my life but him. A year on and I am still trying to pick up the pieces, which to me is ironic, as to begin with, I was not even sure I wanted to be in the relationship. Oh, did I mention, I am also atleast 35 kg heavier? Mostof the weight which I has spent my life trying to loose, and finally won, was back. It turns out that MR Big has realised the only true way to tie me to him and keep me was to ensure I was depressed, although it is not all his fault, but some where along the line, i stopped the exercise. I stopped the diet. I stopped caring. and now, trying to get it all back. After months of self pity and trying to re connect with terrible old friends, I made a new bunch of friends, and have begun to start over. I have lost over 15 kg with hard dieting and exercise, but i have had enough. It seema that the only way I can keep weight off is by starving myself and it is never going to last. I am sick of people from school telling me how 'amazing' I looked when I was thin, when i was underweight and suffering from an eating disorder and all i thought about day and night was food. but still, they cant help but tell me how GREAT I looked. Which again, similar to in year 10, makes me wonder what they think of me Now.
Anyway, enough. That is just a quick run down of where ti all started for me, and where I am now. I am totally happy with every part of my life pretty much ( well, most of it is on track) and have chosen to take a small, much needed break, from men. And the final thing I need to do is loose this weight, the right way, healthily, and keep it off. I am 111kg and I am 178 cm tall. My BMI is 35 and my surgery is booked for 16th Feb 2009. I am going to leave it at this for the moment, because as you can probably tell, I have the ability to crap on alot. If anyone is still reading, thank you. I appreciate you reading my thoughts and I promise that my next post will not include my life story again!
Sleep Well,
S xx.
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